4 Free Ways to Promote Your Brand Online

Losing my job for blowing the whistle on Bank of America felt like the entire world got turned upside down. Cut off from Corporate America and facing financial ruin, I dove headfirst into the internet, where I broke bread with Anonymous and studied the science of SEO. The transition from corporate cubicle-monkey to freelance consultant taught me a lot of valuable lessons about the internet I’d like to relay to you.

Here are 4 free websites and services that can assist in growing any brand:

1 — Google

Just about everyone uses Google, and you’d be a fool not to pay attention. Google’s Maps program is on every Android phone and a significant portion of iPhones — updating your business profile with Google will ensure you’re listed on GPS navigation systems in the hands of millions of potential customers, literally leading them straight to your business’ front door.

Registering your website with Google provides better search engine results for your brand, while Google+ is essential for integrating and tracking your profile across all Google platforms. If you’re interested in finding out more about the search engine benefits of Google+ and how it competes with Facebook, my colleague, Ryan Howard, recently wrote a great piece about it.

2 — Wikipedia

If you want to be relevant, you need to be listed in the encyclopedia. These days the crowd-sourced, non-profit Wikipedia project has all but obliterated all other encyclopedic sites, becoming one of the most widely visited websites on the internet. By getting your brand listed on Wikipedia, you’re not only establishing yourself as an industry leader, you’re gaining a valuable web presence and SEO assistance, as links to your pages are indexed on the site.

Be wary when creating a page, however. Wikipedia is closely monitored by a slew of editors waiting to pick apart any PR fluff pieces, so ensure you familiarize yourself with their neutrality policies before you begin.

3 — Craigslist

Craigslist is a great place to build a street team for growing your brand. Whether you need fliers, transportation, extra hands, or equipment, the classifieds are the place to look. On an SEO level, the links don’t last long enough to help your SEO strategy, but any publicity is good publicity, and Craigslist is a valuable site to help you build brand awareness behind the scenes.

4 — Amazon

If you have something to sell, Amazon and iTunes are great places to do it. Once you have a UPC code or product SKU, you can sell an ebook or mp3 on both of these sites. Where Amazon trumps iTunes is in the ability to ship physical merchandise. No matter what business you’re in, there will always be a market segment that prefers a physical product over the digital equivalent. Amazon helps you bridge the gap, and the free shipping included in their Prime membership makes it a worthwhile business expense.

In addition, Amazon’s mTurk program is a great way to outsource repetitive or mundane tasks, such as finding business contacts, data entry, and transcription. This crowdsourcing platform allows you to create tasks and pay pennies per task to have them completed by mTurk’s worker pool.

Brian Penny Versability Whistleblower MIT Mala BeadsBrian Penny is a former Business Analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, freelance consultant, and troll. He’s a frequent contributor to The Street, Cannabis Now, and Fast Company, Huffington PostMainstreetLifehack, and HardcoreDroid.

Hey! Look at Me! I Molest Children!!

Versability Brian Penny Whistleblower
Take a seat…

We live in an age where lazy parenting has taken the shape of handing a child a Kindle. If you live under a rock and have Sprint, you may be unaware that Amazon makes the Kindle.

We all understand what Amazon does, right?

Raise your hand if you have a blog and don’t have Amazon contextual or affiliate ads on your blog…now slap yourself with that hand, because you’re an idiot…and I don’t have the NSA’s fancy track-you-down billion dollar jibber-jabber programs, so I’m forced to drone on with common sense…

There are people protesting Amazon so they’ll censor porn titles from hard-working, independent American entrepreneurs simply because they’re showing up in searches their children are making on the family devices. In case you don’t already understand why this is hilarious, take a seat, and I’ll explain to you how the internet works…

You see…Amazon is so popular because Amazon knows how to get what you want in your view so you’ll click on it and give them your money. In order to do this, Amazon tracks your browsing habits. Are you still with me? We all agree this is happening right? I’m not crazy.

So…

If Amazon is showing your kids porn on your family’s computer, it’s because someone is looking at porn on your family’s computer. So let’s address the naked elephant in the room here…the people who are protesting Amazon are the very same people who are consuming porn. Have we learned nothing from the slow and painful death of Blockbuster and Best Buy? There’s a reason there’s so many idiot Juggalos parading around looking like mimes but never shutting up – they stood up to Walmart’s censorship.

What I’m saying is, don’t cry “foul,” when you’re called out for being foul…(*Note – I worked in Bank of America’s electronic claims department…I’m the guy who wouldn’t rename your Girls Gone Wild recurring charge or rename the strip club ATM from your debit card statement…Don’t lie to me)

Anywho, here’s how to catch a predator without allll the fancy and expensive government monitoring programs:

Anytime your child goes missing, tag a book called “Violent Child Rape” with all the most disgusting things you can imagine happening to your child. Submit your DIY Chris Hanson to Amazon’s marketplace, and pay as much money as you can to target a 20 mile radius around your home…then write Amazon a letter asking for the IP address of every person who viewed that ad…and submit that list to Anonymous, so hackivists can look into why each individual was shown that ad…

Anonymous and Amazon can narrow that search down to a few suspects, who the police can bring in for questioning…

Voila…

No illegal wiretapping necessary, NSA…No SOPA and PIPA needed, Congress…You can stop wasting our money on fallacies now…

You’re welcome…and do I get a percentage of what you spent on all the proprietary software?

If you’re as tired of the NSA monitoring you as I am, join me, the Chaos Computer Club, Anonymous, and more in the International Day of Privacy, coming to every city in the world on February 1, 2014…

I #ExpectUs to have punch and pie…Brian Penny Anonymous Gonzo Whistleblower Ray Bans

Brian Penny is a former Business Analyst at Bank of America turned whistleblower, freelance consultant, and troll. He’s a frequent contributor to The Street, Cannabis Now, and Fast Company, Huffington PostMainstreetLifehack, and HardcoreDroid.